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I'm tired. Exhausted. Fogged and flogged. I'm a wreck and at the same time put together. I'm dizzy and still. But still -- the paradoxes continue.  It's coming. Another one so soon after the one that just happened. A turn for me this time.
Getting married -- I haven't even felt it yet until kind of just now..... Something I've wanted forever.... a dandelion finally keeping a promise. My relationship with him has been 28 years of absolute crazy. The real -- the imagined -- the what the fucks. We have always endured somehow, even when we hated each other. Hate. He'd kill me if he knew I wrote that. But humans hate -- they get disgusted. I'll be quite honest -- I didn't think this quick marriage would affect him so much. He's putting his foot down more, staking claim. Making sure his place isn't just in a curio cabinet in the corner. He's speaking. He's expressing. He's doing it in a way now that forces me to pay attention. I could take a lesson. I need things, too --- I want to plant a flag. I tornado my way through so much, and have for so long, I'm not sure my winds can even be properly measured. I do know that I am unhappy with myself. FAT. Unable to physically do what I want. 41 years of abuse have finally packed on the layers. I am defeated. I don't need a Pinterest page of inspiration and I no longer need an Instagram full of people trying to find their inner goddess. I need ME -- just me -- to live a life of choice. I need to choose the good for me, no matter how selfish it is. I need to make time, then take the time -- to enjoy those things that make me amazing. Because he loves me despite my demons -- and again...... I could take a lesson.
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